bado nimechoka..lakini i'm smiling too: I fear men

Maisha these sides is still not poa.

But alot-alot-alot has changed and is changing. Fasta-fasta!

#1 is Mr.Boss of the hao (at least he thought he was!) has 'hit out'..lil Jr is a year older alafu I'm ji-tayarisha'ing to fika home one day soonest. My pops is in the loop and is fully supportive..Mr.Boss is yet to be informed - and i'm full of mixed emotions at the moment.

It could be explained as a mixture of 'excitos' and apprehension.

One thing for sure is that since nimechoka to 'ana level' I need some respite of some sort.

And I know fo'sho' that Nai will not be the place for that one - not to start off with anyway.

I'll have to fika coast alafu 'gishagi' - preferably in that order - to 'chiiiiill' then unwind and reconnect with mother-nature and pass my love to dearly departed ones that I think of often..

I need to further exorcise all the issues that Jr's dad has left me with - issues that allowed me to tolerate the way he treated us - all the issues surrounding that - and the new-found fear of men that I now have. A fear that I never knew could exist within me - and its a fear that I absolutely am so annoyed that I possess -but God willing it'll be gotten rid of with time. Its a fear that I have developed towards the male species as a whole - where the exceptions are people like my pops; my first love; my very close male cousins and male friends who I've known for a million years.. I need to re-connect with these people to understand the psyche behind a man who mistreats his wife and child and feels nuthin-nuthin-nuthin. Imagine?..yani I'm a statistic..

..haki nimechoka..

I am so bloomin fed up its beyond a joke.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel so despondent and irritated that I just want to scream the house down.
And scream and scream and scream.

...haki nimechoka..is about how tired; exhausted and fed up I feel.
One of my pals who is a shop assistant said to me 'kazi ya nyumbani hai'ishi' - inakungojea tu..' (apologies for my poor Swahili)..
And this is so so true..

I am sick and flipping tired of constantly cooking; cleaning; ironing; hoovering etc and having no respite. Sometimes I have no chance to even sit down and think in peace..even to sleep in peace..

The frustration is heightened though by the fact that this is not at all the life that i'd envisioned for myself..no sirree...nor for my Jr either.

I hate the fact that I'm so irritable and snapping at him because of my own issues. I feel like there are demands on me from all flippin corners - work and home - but i have forgotten me..cos me practially exists no more..at work you're at the mercy of The Big Boss and what he/she says;goes....then you head straight home - and you're at the mercy of the lil Boss with Mama i want this; Mama give me that; Mama take me here; Mama this hurts - I wont even touch the domez with the Mr Boss at digzz..but lets just say that by the time night falls and you've been stretched in all directions - you have no time or energy for anything or anyone including yourself. I think I'm on meltdown - and dont like it one bit...

I just need to head home. Fasta-fasta..

my personal Nai..

I have been thinking alot about pictures that remind me of home - some good; some bad;and some plain weird..

For instance..this one here has always left me 'flamoxxed' (!) - that was a good Kenyan phrase for y'all !!

Yani when this thing was constructed I always remember looking at at and thinking.."enyewe ina manisha niiiniii?" and it also kinda freaked me out cos it looks like someone's drowning inside the monument alafu its just the hand that has remained outside..the thought of it still makes me shudder.. And everytime i've fika'd home - I've seen the thing looking more and more decrepit. So can anyone gimme any ideas on the logic or the 'ina manisha niiiiniii' about this thing?
Ahsanteni !

..nime amuka..

Finally I have decided that its high time this blog was revived again. In the name of the title..am still aiming to return home - with a vengeance. The Game Plan is so on yani...I'm hoping you folks out there will help to inspire me somehow-somewhere!

I aim to use this blog to help me focus on my journey to return to 'the Green City in the Sun' plus also to focus on all issues "women; Africa" etc.

Karibu!

The first article I'd like to bring to our attention is that of the situation that I think alot of us women are enduring whether you're based 'back home' ama out in the West..ebu soma..

http://www.nation.co.ke/magazines/saturday/-/1216/553580/-/biys4fz/-/index.html

Poleni for the minimal amount of computer literacy - hence the entire www address above!

The thing is .. this is my 'beef'..

I really dont agree with the author stating that: " It becomes worse if you earn more than he does and insist on meeting him every other time at those expensive joints while criticising the places he loves.
Even when you move up, make sure you do not start criticising his way of dressing, expecting him to change and join you in the expensive lifestyle. The man is doing just fine as he is, so stop forcing him into a class that he does not belong to. "

Ebu can we try and be abit serious here. Ati insist on meeting him at expensive joints ?? Si the brother has an option not to meet her if he's 'intimidated' by being in an 'expensive' joint..there is no such a thing as forcing someone into a 'class he does not beong to' yani surely this is the point at which the brother either moves on up with his chick ama he gets steppin! In all seriousness..

I do agree that if the guy is earning less than you - its not really your place to go informing all and sundry - b'cs we all know the issues that guys have when it comes to chumes - ama?

But at the same time..I also think that guys need to accept that in this day and age - many women have really been striving to be serious achievers - and I believe that this had led to men feeling threatened. Because somehow it is like their position is being usurped. All I can say is 'big Up' to the men out there who embrace their higher earning parter - and can see what the potential for 'uniting together' would bring them. Pride aside my brodda!...