of pulling socks up higher

It is so embarassing that I am still sitting here in this 1 same place still talking the same talk and walking the same walk but bado sija endelea for real...





Since I started this blog I have been doing a fair bit of travelling - and been to my beloved Kenya on more than 1 occassion. Albeit on quite brief visits; but then again - something is better than nothing.





I am still determined that I should make end up back in the Republic sooner rather than later and slowly by slowly am gradually seeing friends and family make the move too. This has firmed up my resolve to also join them in their quest to start a new life in Kenya; but it has also helped to give me a real insight into what the challenges may be.





After much reflection, pondering and book reading I am gradually coming to terms with a personal tragedy and slowly picking up pieces and getting my act together. Pole pole ndio mwendo they say.





Much of the reflection stems from pondering on what / how I can make a viable living in Kenya. I feel like I am so full of so many different ideas; but I just dont know which is the 'safest' option for what I would like to pursue..for the few pennies that I actually have in my pocket..





I have attempted to try a couple of small business ventures which didnt do too badly but these were more what I would call pocket money ventures really..





This remains food for thought I guess..

..just wanna be nyumbaniz..

Haki these days I'm so desperate to be back in Kenya it has become painful.

I am always so tired rundown and exhausted.

I am dreaming of a Kenya where my Jr and I will enjoy an altogether different type of life.

I want my Jr to enjoy the childhood I had.

Running around barefoot in the soil, dancing in the warm rain, managing bila elec / water when the occassion necessitated.

I am trying so hard to make my way home in a 'safe' way..cos there's 2 of us that I have to consider now.

Haki - had I been solo; bila a man, kid, etc in the picture I would have packed my bags them days yani..cos that risk element I guess is less risky. I believe that when you are vying for yourself and yourself alone - the decision is alot easier to make..the only mouth you are worrying about feeding is your own - the only back you're gonna have to clothe is your own - and the only persons welfare you need stress over is your own. Its a whole different ball game when there's 'another' involved..cos at the end of the day - having lived in 'The West' - we have all learned how to manage on a tin of baked beans and a loaf of bread for however many days..but now..inflicting that upon my Jr ?....siwezi..if I had a choice.

I am just praying that my prayers and pleas are goig to be heard and that somehow my return home can be facilitated soonest cos am starting to get itchy feet...

Nitafiki Lini ????

nyumbani..on a fact-finding mission..

So I fika'd Kenya on a last-minute-dot-com procedure; where I decided that it was high time that I investigated this mpango of a biashara "back home".

Although prior to my initial feelings that it 'can be pulled off'..needless to say - I was pleasantly surprised once I had actually been in Kenya and started the fact-finding mission in earnest..

The last time I was living in Kenya was as a young person in my late teens - occasionally fika'ing Nai for various hols/weddings/funerals etc - but I have not been actually living there since the late 90's..so now we are in 2010 and with the passage of time the whole idea is becoming quite..how do I say..daunting !! I guess the dynamics have changed alot - am returning home with a child in tow - someone who's going to need school fees etc and am also returning home to a new home that I'm gonna have to 'learn'. This part I am really looking forward to (another post about that later!)

It was a very interesting trying to pursue this fact-finding mission in Kenya. For the most part - I guess the mindset is completely different to what I am accustomed in 'the West'. Which is fair enough really. And I suppose it is up to me to learn to adjust really.. what I found interesting is the type of assumptions that people make simply upon your appearance or the car you drive or simply how you present yourself. I first realised this when I had a meeting with a certain Mama who very definitely was sizing me up - in the only way that another female can size another up. I saw how closely she was looking at the clothes I wore - right down to my choice of jewellery; as she made a point of commenting on this! I was also looking out for signals which would indicate whether or not I had gained her approval..and luckily I had. I was 'somewhat' prepared for this - and had ensured that I had brought along my 'posh' handbag and accessories to complement this get-up! I guess in 'the West' these sorts of things must happen too but perhaps in a more subtle way..I dont know..

There is also the factor that; as a woman trying to do business 'independently' yani without a man in tow; there is a certain impression that people seem to develop. I dont know if it is because they think that as a woman you should 'offer them something' in order for the business deal to take place; or even that it could be on the cards. I had expected this aspect too - and so I always ensured that I was never alone with anyone and furthermore there was nothing akin to flirting taking place - but if you know Kenyan men like I do - then flirting or not..they still like to push their luck either way. I can imagine for some women this would really put them off - but personally I just laugh it off and get on with it.. I have spoken to other female friends who have told me things that have happened with bosses, colleagues etc around the time of pay rises, promotions etc happening..and although shocking it does not surprise me.. I guess thats the sad thing really..the lack of surprise..

The one good thing that I have to realise about Kenya though is that things can happen for real - which I have found really comforting. Kenyans are not the best time keepers - I had an appointment once at 9.30 a.m. and at 9:50 the guy calmly informs me he is running 20 minutes late. However I have also learnt that there is also another group of people who dont tolerate this type of thing and they dont just hang around (like I did) - they would have moved in to the next appointment. Many many people in Kenya have pretty tight schedules and they literally are running from 1 corner of the CBD to another. In many ways its because of the traffic situation which can be pretty nasty - but then business in Nai seems to have a calm laid-back characteristic to it which I cant really explain.. I guess in comparing everything to 'the West' here we are so uptight - always rushing to meet one deadline or another. For some people its the pub closing time; for others its the last tube/train home; or even 'Eastenders'...in Nai I just didnt seem to chance upon those pressures..

I am truly longing for the day when I become a bonfide 'Mama wa biashara' in Kenya..

..its all about biasharaz !..

In my quest to fulfill the dream of returning home I have decided that its high time I formulate some sort of a 'game-plan' in order to ensure that this can actually happen.

I have applied for umpteen positions which have got me precisely nowhere so I have thus decided that perhaps I should consider going it alone yani..

Earlier this year I decided to venture to a certain corner of Africa with my 'game-plan' in mind.. and slowly slowly I am beginning to put pen to paper and hoping that it can be pulled off kabisa!

I also feel very apprehensive about returning home as a 'business woman' .. but I guess the time has come to test the waters and go home to scope what is really 'going down' those sides.

I know that the whole thing is bound to be littered with frustrations - a pal of mine just returned from Nairobi and was telling me how frustrated she was at the laxidaisical approach that so many Kenyans operate under when it comes to getting things done..yani you can go to an office somewhere to see 'fulani' alafu you are told they have popped out kidogo - rudi baadaaye..lakini that 'baadaaye' doesnt even have a 'time slot'..and although I started to sympathise with my buddy - we both pointed out that these were things that we would have to be prepared to put up with when we grab the bull by its horns and GO BACK HOME!!!!!!

First Time??..New Years Resolutions

In all of my ..however many years.. I have actually decided to create some new years resolutions.

I have never done so in the past cos I never felt the need to have any 'targets' in my life - yani I was just 'plain sailing'. Bila any real plan..imagine!..

Lakini now I have made certain decisions that have been made With Conviction.

1. by the close of 2010 I should have 'hama'd' ..preferably to Kenya

2. Travel-travel-more travel (abroad)

3. Save-save-save

Reasons:

1. I need to have 'hama'd' cos I just feel like my time in the West is coming to a natural end. Yani the whole famo etc are in Kenya so like what am I remaining for these sides anyway ? Furthermore I dont want Jr. growing up in this environment..the prognosis for 'black youth' these sides really is not that great

2. I love travelling - and the 'significant other' who was my spouse hampered alot of that movement - so I guess you could say that am on 'da rebound!!'

3. I need ca$h,...for any of these ventures to be able to go forward in any way-shape-or-form..so although am panga'ing different ways of increasing my income and decreasing my expenditure..its all with the aim of hama'ing and travelling..you know what they say about All Work and No Play..it made Jack a.... ? :-)

I sit here dreaming of a better life for me and my Junior and now I understand why so many people in 'the West' become depressed..although I do believe that for people like us who have lived abroad..and a nicer, better, happier, life...this is even harder for us because we have tasted that better life..ama ?

With the help of God..I pray I achieve the above. Amen.

This I what I cant wait to partake of..

bado nimechoka..lakini i'm smiling too: I fear men

Maisha these sides is still not poa.

But alot-alot-alot has changed and is changing. Fasta-fasta!

#1 is Mr.Boss of the hao (at least he thought he was!) has 'hit out'..lil Jr is a year older alafu I'm ji-tayarisha'ing to fika home one day soonest. My pops is in the loop and is fully supportive..Mr.Boss is yet to be informed - and i'm full of mixed emotions at the moment.

It could be explained as a mixture of 'excitos' and apprehension.

One thing for sure is that since nimechoka to 'ana level' I need some respite of some sort.

And I know fo'sho' that Nai will not be the place for that one - not to start off with anyway.

I'll have to fika coast alafu 'gishagi' - preferably in that order - to 'chiiiiill' then unwind and reconnect with mother-nature and pass my love to dearly departed ones that I think of often..

I need to further exorcise all the issues that Jr's dad has left me with - issues that allowed me to tolerate the way he treated us - all the issues surrounding that - and the new-found fear of men that I now have. A fear that I never knew could exist within me - and its a fear that I absolutely am so annoyed that I possess -but God willing it'll be gotten rid of with time. Its a fear that I have developed towards the male species as a whole - where the exceptions are people like my pops; my first love; my very close male cousins and male friends who I've known for a million years.. I need to re-connect with these people to understand the psyche behind a man who mistreats his wife and child and feels nuthin-nuthin-nuthin. Imagine?..yani I'm a statistic..

..haki nimechoka..

I am so bloomin fed up its beyond a joke.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel so despondent and irritated that I just want to scream the house down.
And scream and scream and scream.

...haki nimechoka..is about how tired; exhausted and fed up I feel.
One of my pals who is a shop assistant said to me 'kazi ya nyumbani hai'ishi' - inakungojea tu..' (apologies for my poor Swahili)..
And this is so so true..

I am sick and flipping tired of constantly cooking; cleaning; ironing; hoovering etc and having no respite. Sometimes I have no chance to even sit down and think in peace..even to sleep in peace..

The frustration is heightened though by the fact that this is not at all the life that i'd envisioned for myself..no sirree...nor for my Jr either.

I hate the fact that I'm so irritable and snapping at him because of my own issues. I feel like there are demands on me from all flippin corners - work and home - but i have forgotten me..cos me practially exists no more..at work you're at the mercy of The Big Boss and what he/she says;goes....then you head straight home - and you're at the mercy of the lil Boss with Mama i want this; Mama give me that; Mama take me here; Mama this hurts - I wont even touch the domez with the Mr Boss at digzz..but lets just say that by the time night falls and you've been stretched in all directions - you have no time or energy for anything or anyone including yourself. I think I'm on meltdown - and dont like it one bit...

I just need to head home. Fasta-fasta..